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Why Some Men Marry Without Sexual Attraction: A Therapist’s Insight

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A lot of heterosexual male clients are coming into my practice admitting they picked their partner without considering sexual attraction.

During couples therapy sessions with his partner in the room, the man will claim that he doesn’t know why he isn’t experiencing desire. Maybe it’s stress, low testosterone or feeling anxious.

But when I meet with him individually, he often tells a different story. He tells me that there is no signs my wife is not sexually attracted to me.

What you should know if there’s no sexual attraction for your partner, according to a therapist

there’s no sexual attraction for your partner

Therapist Ian Kerner says many of his male clients confide that they didn’t pick their life partner based on sexual attraction. 

A lot of heterosexual male clients are coming into my practice admitting they picked their partner without considering sexual attraction.

During couples therapy sessions with his partner in the room, the man will claim that he doesn’t know why he isn’t experiencing desire. Maybe it’s stress, low testosterone or feeling anxious.

But when I meet with him individually, he often tells a different story. He tells me he picked his partner without prioritizing genetic sexual attraction.

Why would a person pick a potential life partner without feeling the spark of sexual attraction? And can these relationships survive and thrive? Can something like sexual attraction that wasn’t there in the first place be cultivated later?

I’ve talked with many men in their 30s who have told me, “When I found the woman I wanted to marry, she checked all the boxes. Except one.”

Characteristics on that list include “being my best friend,” “will make an amazing mother,” “our friends and families get along so well,” and “she really loves me.” The one box that didn’t get ticked? Sexual attraction — and often the men didn’t even list that quality to start.

I was stunned.

hot kissing

Sexuality is the one thing that really distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic one: I find that it’s one kind of “relationship glue” that helps couples stay together through hard times. That’s why I’m puzzled that so many people devalue sex in picking a partner for a long-term relationship.

“Research shows that, while physical attractiveness is usually among the most important traits people desire in a romantic partner, it doesn’t actually top the list for men or women,” said Dr. Justin Lehmiller, a research fellow at the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University, a research center dedicated to sexuality. “Traits like intelligence, humor, honesty and kindness are often at least as important, if not more.”

Some men have internalized an “either/or” view of women: those who make great wives and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous, according to Chicago-based sex therapist Dr. Elizabeth Perri.

“I’ve observed this in male patients who are out in the dating world and feel the pressure to pick someone whom they perceive as ‘wife material’ but without sexual attraction, rather than waiting to find a partner who is a better fit both emotionally and sexually,” Perri told me.

How important is sexual attraction in a relationship?

Good sex can help protect against psychological distress, including anxiety and depression, helps couples achieve a deeper connection, and improves relationship satisfaction.

“If a relationship is a meal, the sexual portion ought to be considered an integral part of it, such as the protein, instead of a frivolous part like dessert,” says Eva Dillon, a sex therapist based in New York City.

sexual attraction in a relationship

“In my experience, it’s possible for women to cultivate desire for a partner with considerable effort, but if a man does not have desire for his partner at the beginning of a relationship, he will never desire her,” Dillon told me. Why count on sexual attraction coming later when you can prioritize it in a partner and enjoy the benefits from the beginning?”

Still, lower levels of sexual attraction aren’t always a problem for couples, said sexologist Dr. Yvonne Fulbright.

“For some people, a lack of sexual attraction can lead to infidelity or divorce. For others, a lack of sexual attraction only becomes a problem when one tunes into societal expectations around sex and desire,” said Fulbright, who is an adjunct professorial lecturer in the department of sociology at American University in Washington, DC.

A lot of pressure is being put on couples to maintain active sex lives, and hot ones at that. People have the sense that there’s a type and quality of desire that needs to be achieved, with any disinterest in such considered a problem that needs to be solved.”

Some of my therapist colleagues caution against putting too much emphasis on the importance of immediate sexual attraction.

“We have this misconception that we must be physically attracted to someone when we first meet or there is no relationship potential. That’s just not true,” said sex therapist Dr. Rachel Needle. “Attraction can grow as you get to know someone and experience increased closeness and connection.”

How to bring the spark back in a relationship

What should you do if you and your partner are running out of sexual steam? Or if you want to turn up the heat on a relationship that didn’t have any to start with?

Fulbright cautioned against giving any sweeping advice. “Only partners can figure out the best way to manage this challenge in their relationship,” she said.

“Non-monogamy may work for some, but not others. Couples need to decide how honest to be with each other, how much this matter is a dealbreaker in staying together versus not, and how much weight should be given to this issue in light of other good things they have going for them,” she added via email.

Don’t feel that all is lost if you’re in a long-term relationship. For some couples, sexual desire can grow over time if they focus on it. “It often isn’t until our 30s that we get comfortable enough to ask for what we want in bed,” Dillon said.

But I refuse to agree with anyone who thinks that married couples will stop having sex anyway so why bother prioritizing sexual attraction.

“Many couples in their 50s can explore and expand their sexuality thanks to maturity and empty nests. For couples in their 60s, 70s and beyond who are able to expand their definition of sex beyond orgasm and co-create intimacy, sex can continue to be vibrant and rich,” Dillon added via email.

sexual attraction for your partner

And keep in mind, your sexual health is a barometer of your overall health. So if you really are experiencing an inexplicable drop in sexual interest, consider talking to your medical provider. Maybe your testosterone levels really have fallen.

Whatever the source of your lack of sexual interest, just be up-front with your partner. Honesty, as it turns out, can be a turn-on (eventually).

Health Care

New COVID Strain XEC: Should You Be Worried About a Fall Surge?

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XEC COVID Variant: Spread, Symptoms & Vaccine Updates

Reading Time: 5 minutesThe new XEC COVID-19 variant is spreading quickly, raising concerns among health experts. This recombinant variant, a combination of two previous strains, KP.3.3 and KS.1.1, is part of the omicron family. While XEC has been identified in various countries, including Europe, North America, and Asia, its full impact is still under study.

What is the XEC COVID Variant?

XEC is a recombinant variant formed when a person is infected with two strains of the SARS-CoV-2 virus. This leads to a mix of genetic material, resulting in a new strain. XEC is a sublineage of the omicron variant, which has given rise to many of the recent COVID-19 variants.

XEC was first identified in Berlin in June 2024 and has since spread across 27 countries, with cases rising in Germany and Denmark. In the U.S., at least 95 cases of XEC have been reported across 12 states. However, it has not yet appeared on the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s (CDC) “Nowcast” estimates due to the limited number of cases.

Is XEC More Transmissible?

According to health experts, XEC appears to be highly contagious. Like other omicron variants, it spreads through respiratory droplets when an infected person talks, breathes, coughs, or sneezes. The variant is picking up speed, especially in Europe, and could become the dominant strain soon.

XEC has one mutation in its spike protein, which might contribute to its rapid transmission. However, there is no clear indication yet if it will outcompete other variants, such as the currently dominant KP.3.1.1 (DeFLuQE) variant in the U.S.

Will XEC Cause a Fall Surge in the U.S.?

COVID-19 has no specific “season,” but cases often spike in the winter. The experts suggest that XEC could contribute to a winter surge, but it’s still too early to predict the severity. The summer wave of 2024 was more prolonged than expected, which might provide some immunity and reduce the risk of a severe winter surge.

The emergence of new variants like XEC is always a concern, but not every new variant leads to a major outbreak. Some variants increase in prevalence, while others do not spread widely. Although XEC could drive a wave in the coming months, it’s uncertain how large that wave will be.

Symptoms of the XEC Variant

So far, XEC does not appear to cause unique symptoms compared to other omicron variants. The symptoms are generally mild and include:

  • Sore throat
  • Cough
  • Fatigue
  • Headache and body aches
  • Congestion
  • Runny nose
  • Fever or chills
  • Shortness of breath
  • Nausea or loss of appetite
  • Diarrhea
  • Loss of taste or smell

Symptoms vary from person to person, and some people may have no symptoms at all. High-risk individuals, such as those over 65 or with underlying health conditions, are more likely to experience severe illness.

Will Vaccines Protect Against XEC?

The updated COVID-19 vaccine for 2024–2025 is designed to target the KP.2 variant. Experts believe that this new vaccine will provide protection against XEC, as it is closely related to the current strains.

The new vaccines are expected to reduce severe illness, hospitalizations, and deaths. While the vaccines may not completely prevent infection, they will offer significant protection against severe disease.

Health officials are urging people to get vaccinated, especially those at higher risk of severe illness. A low uptake of vaccines last year left many people vulnerable, with only 24% of the eligible population receiving the shot. The goal this year is to improve vaccination rates.

How to Protect Yourself from XEC

As XEC spreads, it’s essential to take steps to protect yourself. These include:

  1. Get Vaccinated: Stay up to date with the latest COVID-19 vaccine, which is available for everyone six months and older.
  2. Stay Home if Sick: If you have symptoms, avoid contact with others to prevent the spread.
  3. Test When Needed: Get tested if you experience COVID-19 symptoms or have been exposed to someone who tested positive.
  4. Wear Masks: In crowded indoor spaces, wearing a mask can reduce the risk of transmission.
  5. Improve Ventilation: Ensure good air circulation in indoor spaces to lower the risk of spreading the virus.
  6. Practice Good Hygiene: Regular handwashing and sanitizing can help prevent the spread of respiratory viruses.
  7. Avoid Large Gatherings: Limiting exposure in crowded settings can reduce your chances of getting infected.

Testing and Isolation Guidelines for XEC

COVID-19 tests are expected to detect the XEC variant. The CDC recommends that people test if they have symptoms or have been in close contact with someone who has tested positive. It is also a good idea to test before attending large gatherings, especially if high-risk individuals will be present.

Isolation is essential to prevent further spread of the virus. People who test positive should stay home until they have been fever-free for at least 24 hours and symptoms have improved. Antiviral treatments, like Paxlovid, are still effective against XEC and are recommended for those at higher risk of severe illness.

Future Outlook: What Can We Expect?

It is difficult to predict how XEC will impact the U.S. in the coming months. The variant is still relatively new, and experts are monitoring its spread. While XEC is contagious, it does not seem to be causing more severe disease than previous variants. Its symptoms are similar to those seen with other omicron strains.

The upcoming winter season could see an increase in COVID-19 cases, but the extent of that surge is uncertain. Experts suggest that the recent summer wave of infections may reduce the severity of a potential winter surge due to increased immunity.

The key to reducing the impact of XEC and other variants is vaccination. By staying up to date with vaccines, people can protect themselves and reduce the overall burden on healthcare systems.

The Importance of Fall Checkups and Vaccines

As fall approaches, it’s important to prioritize health checkups and stay up to date on vaccinations. Respiratory viruses, including COVID-19 and influenza, spread more easily in the colder months when people spend more time indoors. Vaccines play a crucial role in reducing the risk of severe illness during this time.

Even though XEC is a new variant, the vaccines currently available are expected to provide protection. Health experts recommend getting vaccinated as soon as possible, especially for high-risk individuals.

Conclusion

The XEC variant is the latest in a series of COVID-19 strains that have emerged as the virus continues to mutate. While XEC is spreading quickly and raising concerns, it does not appear to be more dangerous than previous variants. Vaccines remain an essential tool in protecting against severe illness and death.

As we enter the winter season, it’s crucial to take preventive measures, including getting vaccinated, practicing good hygiene, and staying informed about the latest COVID-19 developments. Though the future of XEC remains uncertain, health officials continue to monitor its spread and offer guidance on how to stay safe.

In summary, XEC is a recombinant variant that may become more prominent in the coming months. Its symptoms are similar to other omicron variants, and the vaccines available are expected to offer protection. Taking steps to protect yourself and others will be vital as the fall and winter seasons approach.

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Is Your Kitchen Safe? Latest Food Recalls You Need to Know

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Latest Food Recalls & Safety Alerts

Reading Time: 5 minutesFood recalls are an essential public health tool designed to protect consumers from potentially harmful products. Each year, hundreds of food recalls are issued in the United States, highlighting the importance of staying informed and vigilant. Understanding what food recalls are, why they happen, and how to respond to them can help you safeguard your health and the well-being of your loved ones.

What Are Food Recalls?

A food recall is an action taken to remove a product from the market because it may pose a risk to public health. These risks can range from contamination with harmful bacteria to the presence of foreign objects like glass or metal. The U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) is primarily responsible for overseeing the safety of most food products, while the U.S. Department of Agriculture (USDA) regulates meat, poultry, and processed egg products.

It is important to make note of food recalls that occur. When a recall happens, take a look in your kitchen and pantry to make sure you do not have the product being named. (iStock / iStock)

It is important to make note of food recalls that occur. When a recall happens, take a look in your kitchen and pantry to make sure you do not have the product being named. (iStock / iStock)

Recalls can be voluntary, initiated by the food manufacturer or distributor when they discover a potential problem, or they can be mandated by the FDA or USDA when these agencies identify a significant risk to public health. The goal of a recall is to prevent consumers from being exposed to products that could make them sick or cause injury.

Why Are Foods Recalled?

There are several reasons why a food product might be recalled, and understanding these reasons can help you recognize the potential risks associated with the foods you consume.

  1. Bacterial Contamination: One of the most common reasons for food recalls is contamination with harmful bacteria, such as Salmonella, Listeria, or E. coli. These pathogens can cause severe illness, and in some cases, they can be fatal, especially for vulnerable populations like young children, the elderly, and those with weakened immune systems.
  2. Foreign Objects: Occasionally, food products are found to contain foreign materials such as glass, metal, or plastic. These objects can cause physical harm if ingested, leading to cuts, choking, or other injuries.
  3. Undeclared Allergens: Food labels must accurately list all ingredients, including common allergens like peanuts, tree nuts, milk, eggs, wheat, soy, fish, and shellfish. If a product contains an allergen that is not listed on the label, it can trigger severe allergic reactions in sensitive individuals, which can be life-threatening.
  4. Labeling Errors: Inaccurate or misleading information on food labels can also lead to recalls. For example, if a product is labeled as “gluten-free” but contains gluten, or if it’s supposed to be “sugar-free” but has added sugars, it may be recalled to correct the misinformation.

Foods Frequently Recalled

Certa

Latest Food Recalls

Latest Food Recalls

in food items have a higher likelihood of being recalled due to their susceptibility to contamination or other issues. Between 2017 and 2022, several types of foods were frequently involved in recalls, often linked to serious health risks.

  1. Leafy Greens: Leafy greens like lettuce, spinach, and kale were the most frequently recalled food items during this period. These products were associated with 50 recalls and 11 deaths, primarily due to contamination with E. coli or Salmonella. The large surface area of leafy greens and their tendency to be eaten raw contribute to their vulnerability to contamination.
  2. Cheeses and Deli Meats: These products were subject to 122 recalls, often due to Listeria and Salmonella contamination. Listeria is particularly dangerous because it can continue to grow at refrigerator temperatures, making deli meats and cheeses a significant risk. The recalls during this period resulted in seven deaths and the recall of over 16 million pounds of product.
  3. Ground Beef: Ground beef was recalled 22 times, usually due to E. coli and Salmonella contamination. Unlike whole cuts of meat, ground beef has a larger surface area and is more likely to spread bacteria throughout the product, making it a higher risk for contamination. Over 12 million pounds of ground beef were recalled during this time frame.
  4. Onions: Although no deaths were linked to contaminated onions, they were associated with 13 recalls and over 2,000 reported illnesses. Onions are often used as an ingredient in a variety of dishes, which can increase the potential for widespread contamination.
  5. Poultry (Turkey and Chicken): Both turkey and chicken were involved in serious recalls due to Salmonella contamination. During the period analyzed, there were four recalls each for turkey and chicken, with a few deaths reported.
  6. Papayas and Peaches: These fruits were also linked to significant health risks. Papayas experienced 12 recalls, while peaches were recalled six times, mostly due to Salmonella contamination. These outbreaks resulted in several illnesses and deaths.
  7. Cantaloupe and Flour: Cantaloupe, often linked to Salmonella, and flour, associated with both E. coli and Salmonella, were involved in multiple recalls. While not as frequently recalled as leafy greens or ground beef, these products still pose significant risks when contamination occurs.

 

What to Do If a Food Recall Affects You

If you learn that a product you have purchased has been recalled, it is essential to take immediate action to protect yourself and your family.

  1. Stop Using the Product: Do not consume the recalled product, even if you have already used some without any apparent ill effects. Contamination might not affect every part of the product equally, and the risk is not worth taking.
  2. Dispose of the Product Safely: Throw the recalled food away in a manner that prevents others from accidentally consuming it. If instructed by the recall notice, you may also return the product to the store for a refund.
  3. Clean and Sanitize: After disposing of the product, clean and sanitize any surfaces, containers, or utensils that may have come into contact with it. This step is crucial to prevent cross-contamination.
  4. Monitor Your Health: If you or someone in your household has consumed a recalled product, be vigilant for any symptoms of foodborne illness, such as nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, or fever. Seek medical attention if symptoms develop, especially if the illness is severe or persistent.
  5. Stay Informed: Keep up to date with recall notices from reliable sources such as the FDA, USDA, or trusted news outlets. This vigilance can help you act quickly if a recall affects a product you have purchased.

    If you have food that has been recalled, you should safely throw it in the garbage, or, in certain cases, bring it back to the store for a refund.

    If you have food that has been recalled, you should safely throw it in the garbage, or, in certain cases, bring it back to the store for a refund.

Conclusion

Food recalls are a vital aspect of food safety, aimed at preventing illness and protecting consumers from potentially hazardous products. By understanding the common causes of food recalls and knowing how to respond, you can reduce your risk of exposure to contaminated food. Staying informed and taking prompt action when recalls occur are key steps in ensuring the health and safety of your household.

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Protect Yourself from the Deadly EEE Virus: What You Need to Know

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The virus that causes eastern equine encephalitis (EEE) is spread by bites from some Aedes, Coquillettidia, and Culex mosquitoes.

Reading Time: 2 minutesNew Hampshire Confirms Death from Mosquito-Borne EEE Virus

A 41-year-old man from New Hampshire has tragically died after contracting eastern equine encephalitis (EEE), a rare but serious mosquito-borne virus. Health officials are urging residents to take precautions as at least two other cases have been reported in the Northeast this year.

What Is EEE?

Eastern equine encephalitis (EEE) is a virus spread through the bites of infected mosquitoes, including some Aedes, Coquillettidia, and Culex species. Unlike some illnesses, EEE is not transmitted from person to person. While EEE is much rarer than West Nile virus, it has a much higher fatality rate—between 30% and 50%. In the United States, only a handful of cases are reported each year, mostly in the eastern and Gulf Coast states. The 2019 outbreak was particularly severe, with 38 cases and 12 deaths, making it the largest outbreak in nearly 50 years.

Symptoms to Watch For

Most people infected with EEE will not show symptoms. However, those with weaker immune systems are more at risk. Symptoms typically appear four to 10 days after being bitten and can include:

  • Fever
  • Chills
  • Body aches
  • Joint pain

In severe cases, the virus can cause brain swelling, leading to more severe symptoms such as:

  • Severe headache
  • Drowsiness
  • Diarrhea
  • Vomiting
  • Seizures
  • Behavioral changes, such as psychosis
  • Coma

There is currently no vaccine or specific treatment for EEE in humans. Some survivors may suffer from long-term neurological effects.

Animals at Risk

EEE also poses a significant threat to animals, particularly horses, llamas, and alpacas, with a mortality rate of about 90% in infected horses. Fortunately, there is a vaccine for horses, and the American Association of Equine Practitioners considers it essential. While domestic dogs and cats are rarely affected, they typically recover fully.

Prevention Tips

Preventing mosquito bites is the best way to protect yourself from EEE and other mosquito-borne illnesses. The CDC recommends the following steps:

  • Use Insect Repellent: Choose an Environmental Protection Agency (EPA)-registered insect repellent when going outdoors.
  • Wear Protective Clothing: Opt for loose-fitting, long-sleeved shirts and pants. Consider clothing treated with permethrin, an insecticide that repels mosquitoes.
  • Control Mosquito Breeding Grounds: Eliminate standing water from outdoor areas, such as furniture, buckets, and gardening tools, to reduce mosquito habitats.
  • Maintain Home Defenses: Ensure screens on windows and doors are intact to prevent mosquitoes from entering your home.

By taking these precautions, you can help protect yourself and your loved ones from EEE and other mosquito-borne diseases. Stay safe, and be vigilant, especially during the mosquito season.

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